Dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...


How Slow is Too Slow?


I've known this wonderful man for about 2-1/2 months now and we've been out 3 times with each other, and each time we've both thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.

It's been a mutual interest process, i.e., he asked me out, I asked him out, then he asked me out, etc. The last time I invited him to go to a Christmas dinner/dance at my job, however, he declined and said, "I don't think I want to go. I don't think it would be wise considering the pace in which things are moving."

We started off with both of us saying we wanted to move slow and develop a solid friendship first and I thought the pace was just fine, until he turned down my invitation to the dance. We haven't even kissed yet in 3 dates. In talking to a guy friend about it, he says that it probably means that my friend likes me a lot and feels the need to control his testosterones, and that's why he's not wanting to go dancing with me yet, because he's afraid he'll want me physically and it's too soon in the relationship.

I think my guy friend is right, and I'm okay with that. I really like this new man in my life and I'm willing to invest the time it takes to establish something solid. He still shows interest, so I really believe that we have great possibilities.

What do you think?



First, let me congratulate you on your attitude! He asked you out first, but then you turned around and invited him out. That's a "new millennium women" at work, and very few women can or will do this. I'm very proud of you on this point.

Regarding the Holiday party, I agree with this guy. It's too soon for you two to be meeting each other's friends. I'd reserve that until at least a few more months, and a few more milestones!

I'm concerned about one thing: why haven't you two kissed, especially after 3 dates? This guy is no student of mine (as a reader of "Being a Man in a Woman's World"), as he would have kissed you on the first date. I don't care how slowly you're taking things; this is far too slow in my opinion.

Besides, kissing isn't such a big deal! It's just exchanging some little pleasures between you to. So what? Maybe you're not ready to jump into the sack yet, but kissing, hugging, etc., is so benign. What's the hold up?

I fear that there's something else wrong with this relationship. Who instigated the "let's take it slowly" policy - you or him? It makes a difference, but more important, do you really want to take things slow, or are you just doing it because you read it in a magazine article somewhere, and it sounded like a good idea?

If you look into your own heart, wouldn't you rather be swept off your feet and have things rush by you, carrying you along, or would you rather try to strip all emotion and feeling out of it, and make it cold, logical and calculated?

When people set artificial guidelines for a relationship rather than letting their feelings dictate their actions, I believe this is a bad thing and sets a bad precedent for the future of the relationship. Relationships are all about feelings and emotions. You're trying to establish one based on logic, and frankly, what's the logic? That slow is better? Why is that true?

I'm not saying that fast is necessarily better either, but I DO believe that doing things when they feel right *IS* better. Having been on 3 dates and you haven't even kissed yet is a big red flag to me, and if I were the guy, you wouldn't get a 4th date. I'd be off trying to find someone that has a much more realistic view of what they want in their relationship.

I tell people this all the time: men and women don't make good "friends" for each other. You already have a friendship with one guy, why are you trying to establish another one with this guy that you're attracted to? This is a very bad idea. The best "friendships" between men and women that are dating come AFTER all of the emotionality has been established.

This might be a very good time to re-think this plan. I hope things haven't gone too far that you can't reverse this trend. Earlier, I asked who implemented this idea - if it was you, or if it was him. If it was him, I'm concerned that there are other things going on. Perhaps he's not really interested in you, but doesn't want to be alone during the holidays, or maybe he's actually gay and hasn't accepted it yet. Obliviously, I don't know him, but there seems that something's wrong, and finding out now is going to be much better than later.

Best regards...

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Copyright (c) 2004-2016, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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