Dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
How To Keep Him Satisfied and Interested
Dear Dr. Neder:
I just recently became involved with a fellow six years my
senior. He is everything I have ever dreamt of; there is just
I have always avoided the relationship scene because, frankly,
I have no idea how to handle a relationship. I didn't actually
date until I was 18 and didn't have intercourse until my third
semester of college. I was sheltered most of my life so school
and family was all I really knew. He and I met online and decided
to become "partners" for a while. And then he let me in on
his thoughts; to him… I was his girlfriend.
Even though we had no such discussion, I was happy that he
liked me enough to be his girlfriend. But still, the fact that
I don't know how to keep both of us happy at the same time
is weighing heavily on my mind. I grew up taking care of kids,
elderly and I had lots of friends but honestly I wasn't very
social and didn't have a female figure to teach me how to act
around men. I was raised in an old fashion way really; proper,
polite and feminine. And everything I have done is for other
people. My whole life has been revolving around making others
happy, even people I don't know. I have been what most call
the "goodie two shoes, on everyone's side, no enemies, too
nice even to mean people." But now I have him, I want to keep
him; I want to make him happy and be happy with him. But I'm
afraid to loose him because I don't know how to keep his eyes
on me, to keep him interested and to keep myself from being
too giving or not giving enough. To be forthright, I haven't
had too much sex in my twenty years of life, so I don't know
too much about it and I am afraid if I give into his wants
and desires too much I might loose him. Then again I don't
want to hold back and leave him wanting. I don't know if I
am paranoid or if I have just cause to worry but I need a little
advice. I was hoping you could help me?!
Recently he started talking about three ways. And I know its
bad to spy, but he has been on the site that we met on lately,
even before the talk of three-ways. He is a very giving man,
the only person I have met that wants to make me happy and
protect me…but could he have ulterior motives to being so sweet
and nice to me? Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong
with me physically. People just assume that I am still a virgin
because of how innocent and naive I seem, not to mention that
I look innocent in certain facial features. I just don't want
to end up giving 110% all the time and getting 100% until he
is bored or done. And if he is honest and does like me for
who I am how do I keep him? How do I keep the relationship
alive? What can I do to make ME a better person? I don't flirt
well, I'm not one of those "bible thumpers" as they call them,
I'm not nice to make people like me….I just treat others how
I want to be treated…but lately I don't know who I am or what
I am all about. I have no idea why I am the way I am. I just
need some good advice. And I apologize if my letter is all
over the place. I didn't mean to jump from place to place.
I would really appreciate your thoughts. ^_^
Thank you - take care
my dear, are freakin' awesome for even asking this question!
Do you know how many women simply assume they know what a man
wants and go about giving him that - and nothing that he REALLY
wants? He is very lucky, and I'm going to show you how to make
his head spin all the way around - happily.
Your background and history and lack of education have little
to do with where you're going here. You're focused on the right
things and that alone is going to help you in ways you can't
even yet imagine. Most of the girls I talk to complain that
they aren't getting what they want; never even considering
their partner's needs. Instead, you realize that by giving
him what he wants (and needs) you're going to get what you
want and need - and you will!
start with this: Your belief that giving into his "wants
and desires" will cause you to lose him is simply wrong.
Think about this: when he's not with you, he's out in the world
of OTHER women! Do you really want him out there with his trigger
cocked and ready to fire? That's not a very good plan. Instead,
you want to send him out into that world completely satisfied
with NO interest in anyone else. I've never seen a truly satisfied
man stray from his partner.
That's lesson #1: satisfied men don't stray. More on this
in a minute.
Let's talk about your fears here for a moment: all relationships
(well, at least all WORTHWHILE relationships) involve the risk
of being hurt. If your goal in writing to me is to prevent
being hurt, I'm afraid I simply can't help you there. I'd never
help you get into a relationship that was so dull and lacked
risk that it wasn't worthy of your time!
going to have to realize that as you invest yourself in this
relationship (wisely of course -
you invest at the
rate the relationship returns what you need, recognizing that
all of them have "market fluctuations" - up and down
and you ride those out) your goal can't be to avoid risk. It
has to be to MANAGE the risk by helping your partner get what
he wants in order to give you what you want. It really is a
dance of sorts. You give to get. He gives to get. etc. You
can't negotiate away that risk but the risk itself becomes
part of the dance. Neither of you wants to be hurt and that
is part of the key that keeps you together and moving forward.
Lesson #2: all worthwhile relationships involve risk and you
simply manage it together as a team.
your "innocence": that's a fine thing
and obviously something that he's attracted to. One of the
downsides to being a virgin (and frankly, there are many downsides)
is the lack of education in yourself. For men, sex comes somewhat
naturally. Nobody is a "good love" right out of the
box, but it's easier for men than it is for women. You have
to learn all the things that we are pre-wired to do. One example
of this is your orgasm. Women usually have to learn how to
bring this about themselves before they can teach their lovers
how to do it.
I hope that during your years of virginity, you were a fantastic
masturbator! That's where things start for most women. Once
you know what makes you pop, you can then let your partner
in on the tricks you've discovered. He's not likely to know
these things without you telling him. This is the value of
having a rich, open, communicative sex life! Nothing should
be left on the table. You both should be able to talk about
everything comfortably in order to not only tell him what you
want, but to discover what he wants as well.
Lesson #3: women are far more complicated sexually than men
With regards to the three-way; you have to start considering
this first from your own perspective. There are two types of
three-ways between couples: two women, one man and two men,
one woman. What are your own thoughts/interests about being
with another person? What about someone of your own gender?
Again, this is where your own masturbation comes into play.
By exploring your own fantasies on these things in a safe,
open, non-judgmental way, you can begin to discover what range
you bring to your relationship.
it's just as "valid" to
not have any interests here as it is to have them! Let's
say that (at this time) you
aren't interested in a threesome. That's fine and doesn't leave
you without a way to satisfy your partner's interests. If your
sex is open and healthy, you can fantasize together about these
things. Porn is yet another avenue to explore this safely and
without having to affect your core relationship.
say this about threesomes: the relationship you have (the "core relationship")
has to be very solid in order to explore this lifestyle.
I'd never suggest
jump into such a thing without lots of discussion and understanding
between you two.
Lesson #4: it's almost always possible to give your partner
exactly what they need without having to risk your relationship
to do it.
So, what do YOU want? What do YOU need? Do you even know?
That's the first place to start in all of this. While it hasn't
been your history to look at your own needs first, any quality
relationship requires it. Until you know what you need, you
can't express it to your partner openly and comfortably.
that this is a step along the way to having a long, healthy
and happy relationship. I say "begin with the
end in mind". In other words, know your goals. Know what
you want long-term and then start at the beginning to put all
the pieces in place to get there.
The second step by the way is to discover what your partner
wants. You're starting there instead and I suggest you go back
to the beginning first. Once that's done, all you need is to
spend some real time getting to know what he needs in order
to have the exact relationship he wants.
The final step in the process is to simply become that woman
to him. Do this, and you'll have everything you could possibly
want - much of which you don't even know you want yet!
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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
for answers. For more information about my books,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Copyright (c) 2004-2016, Dr. Dennis W. Neder